Karen's Story

My friend Mariah and I made this story for Karen. I wrote it, and she put it into a book, got all the stuff to decorate it, and wrapped it. Enjoy.

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Once upon a time there was a beautiful, rich, famous, unanimously loved princess named Karen. Except not really. She was actually a poor janitor at a nuclear treatment facility. And nobody loved her. Because she was radioactive. But she liked to pretend she was a princess by making crowns out of used uranium cases, so that’s kind of close.

One day Karen was on one of her nightly motorcycle rides. ‘If only people knew what a badass I was on my motorcycle! They would be astounded. They may know me by day, but they don’t know Karen by night!’ she thought to herself.

As she was thinking, she accidentally ran her motorcycle into a pole. Subconsciously, it was probably for attention, but it doesn’t matter for this story. Anyway, she ran into a pole and went flying through the air like a political joke flies over a hillbilly’s head.

‘At least if I die like this everyone will know of my badass motorcycling!’ she thought as she careened towards death. Then she hit the pavement and died.

JUST KIDDING. She actually landed in the arms of a tall, gangly man named Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth. He was wearing an outfit similar to the Warbler’s uniforms in Glee, except more stuck-up and pretentious. And also bedazzled.

“Oh my, what is your name, handsome stranger?” Karen asked.

“Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth,” Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth answered.

“I suppose I should have known that from the narration,” Karen said.

“Yes. Yes you should have.” Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth replied.

Karen thought for a moment. “Well, since I am a princess, and you saved me, that means we have to get married!”

“Um, this is moving a little fast…”

“IT’S THE LAW.”

“Are you even a real princess? Because you’re faintly glowing green…”

“I NEED BABIES MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TI--”

But at that moment, a GIANT MONSTER appeared from nowhere!

“Oh no!” shouted Karen.

“Thank God!” shouted Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth.

The GIANT MONSTER was so giant that it’s giantness could only be properly portrayed by ALL CAPS. In some cases, CAPS LOCK is cruise control for AWESOME, but in this case it was cruise control for SCARY!

The GIANT MONSTER was as tall as twenty one-story buildings, and had bright purple feathers to blend in to it’s natural habitat of drag show closets. Occasionally the GIANT MONSTER built up the courage to come out of the closet and live it’s dream of performing Tina Turner songs on-stage, but so far no talent scouts had signed him yet, so he always ended up returning to his closet to brood and wonder, why not me?

But I digress. The GIANT MONSTER, while trying to imitate Frank-N-Furter, was stumbling around town and smashing all the buildings in sight. It would take a true hero to defeat this GIANT MONSTER! Someone strong, and muscular, with years of training!

BOOM. Before Karen could blink, the GIANT MONSTER had mysteriously been taken down! It stumbled for a moment, then fell off of a strategically-placed cliff. Karen cheered. So what if all he wanted was to be loved? Karen hated ugly things, and didn’t even cry one tear over the fact that the GIANT MONSTER never got his GIANT PARENTS to tell him they loved him and accepted his lifestyle choices.

Karen turned to Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth. “Wow! How did you do that so fast?” she asked him.

“That wasn’t me,” Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth said.

Karen looked around to see who had slain the GIANT MONSTER. Suddenly, she saw another tall, gangly man! His name was Garry Kerpatchy.

“My hero! Are you unwed? Take me in a manly fashion!” Karen cried as she jumped from Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth’s arms into Garry’s. Apparently the narrator forgot to set her down. It was quite an impressive jump, not unlike the graceful skills of a marmoset.

Unfortunately, Garry was not expecting the jump and was quite thrown off at her proposition, so he dropped her. And then Karen died.

Fortunately, at that moment, Karen’s two fairy godmothers appeared! They were so breathtakingly beautiful that their mere presence could feed the hungry, stop global warming, and control the outcomes of every election. Today, their astounding gorgeousness was enough to raise Karen from the dead.

“Now I am Still Alive!” Karen said. She turned to Garry. “Don’t worry. I’m not even angry. I’m being so sincere right now. Even though you broke my heart and killed me.”

It was then that Karen noticed the indescribable beauty emanating from the two women in front of her. “Who are you?” she asked, again missing the narration.

“We are your fairy godmothers,” the brunette one replied. “Our names are Mariah and Brenda. We’ve come to help you with some issues you’ve been having.”

“Mainly, you being dead,” Brenda added. “But also your whole boy scenario.”

“Great!” Karen exclaimed. You could tell she exclaimed it because of the exclamation mark. “How am I ever supposed to choose between Garry and Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth?”

The godmothers stared at her. “Englandis. Sparrows. Downtown. The Fifth.”

Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth puffed out his chest. “It’s a nice name!”

“No.” Brenda said. “It’s pretentious. And weird. And long. And pretentious.” Mariah nodded in agreement. “I think that’s all the information we need. You should definitely not ever date an Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth.”

“But I call him England for short!” Karen protested. “So now it’s fine!”

“Seriously pretentious,” Mariah said with a cringe. “And on the other side, Garry’s last name is Kerpatchy.”

“Ew. That sounds dirty,” Brenda commented.

“Way to pick ‘em, Karen.” said Mariah sarcastically. You could tell it was sarcastic because seriously what the hell Karen.

“Wait!” Englandis Sparrows Downtown the Fifth called out. “I don’t want to be pretentious. So I’ve changed my name! Now it is Francis Robins Upton the Fifth!”

Brenda and Mariah stared at him.

“You have got to be kidding,” Mariah said.

“How the hell would that make it any better?” Brenda asked, incredulous.

Francis Robins Upton the Fifth went to sulk in a corner, like the pretentious prissy boy his name made him out to be.

Garry Kerpatchy hadn’t said much. It was as if the narrators had less fun making fun of his name. Even though it’s still horrible.

“Well, Mariah. How should we fix this?” Brenda asked. “Should we settle for Garry and his dirty-sounding last name, or should we try another option?”

“I’ve got it! We’ll change Francis Robins Upton the Fifth’s name! It may not solve Karen’s problem, but seriously he cannot be allowed to go on like that. For the sake of the world. It’s disgustingly pretentious.

So Brenda and Mariah huddled together to create a new name. After some deliberation, they finally had the perfect one.

“His new name shall be Americais Eagles USAtown the First!” Brenda exclaimed.

“There’s nothing pretentious about ‘Americais!’ Americais is definitely the best name ever. No other name could ever be as great as Americais. Switching from Englandis to Americais is the best thing to ever happen in the history of the world,” Mariah explained.

Americais Eagles USAtown the First stood up from his corner. “I feel great! Empowered!”

Karen was beaming. “Much better! And now I can call him America for short!”

America was so happy, he started singing. “I AM AMERICAAAAA!”

“Wonderful!” Karen said. “But still, Garry did rescue me from a GIANT MONSTER…even America’s awesome name doesn’t change that.”

“What GIANT MONSTER?” Mariah asked.

“Well…it was a 20-story-tall creature…with a 9-story-tall neck…”

Brenda rolled her eyes. “Those don’t exist, Karen.”

“Yes they do!” Karen protested.

“Where is it, then? Show me.” Brenda asked.

“I can’t because it fell off a cliff.”

Brenda and Mariah rolled their eyes. “Sure, Karen. Suuure.”

“I’m serious! Not only does it exist, but I’m also still not sure what to do about my boy problems!”

“Well, Karen…we’re here to answer some things about your life for you.” Mariah said. “First, you probably hallucinated that GIANT MONSTER because of all your exposure to nuclear waste.”

“But there’s one more thing you’ve been hallucinating,” Brenda said gently. “The truth is, you don’t have to worry about boy problems at all. Because you’re not actually a young woman in search of love. This whole time…you’ve actually been a marmoset.”

“What???” Karen yelled. But then it all made sense. Her inability to hold large objects. The fact that she couldn’t steer a motorcycle. Being able to jump from man to man. The fact that men were so shocked and put off by her requests to mate with them. The fact that she was approximately 7 inches long with a 9 inch tail and fur covering her entire body.

It was true. Karen was a marmoset.

So then she scampered off and lived the rest of her life happily eating sap from a tree.

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A bunch of inside jokes, but most if it should be fine without explanation. Ask if you don't understand a part! I want you to appreciate this in its full glory. The physical version has pictures, but maybe I can figure out how to scan it sometime and put it up. It's amazing. Mariah had the best illustrations ever.