Procrastination and a secret

So, I promise I am in the middle of writing two different posts, but neither of them is ready and I only have half an hour and I'm tired. So to teach myself not to procrastinate, I'm going to post stuff that I don't usually tell anyone. So when I miss deadlines, I have to embarrass myself. Should keep me on track, haha.

So here it is: I used to write fanfiction. Really, really terribly written fanfiction. Or, at least I assume it was, I'm too afraid to go back and read them. And only for one really obscure game. Not really sure why I get so awkward about this, but I don't really tell anyone.

As simple as that looks reading it, it was quite painful to write. Ack. But honesty is good. Rachelle's latest post has inspired me to be as honest and open as possible on this blog.

I'm not sure why it always embarrassed me that I wrote that stuff. I think I was just embarrassed of my writing in general. I don't like showing much of the things I do. Debate's the only thing I work at that people get to see, everything else I tend to hide. So all my writing (and other stuff I do) gets swept away and I pretend like it doesn't exist.

I don't know why. Probably some kind of insecurity thing. Or maybe from a lack of friends when I first started maturing, so I never got comfortable with showing my accomplishments to people. But whatever it is, I do hide a lot of the things I do or like or want.

I wonder if Rachelle remembers something that horrified me. There was one day in high school when we were all sitting at a table outside the AP rooms. We were talking about what we wanted to be, and Rachelle asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I said something like, "Hm, I don't really know. I haven't figured much out yet." But over my shoulder, Anthony was mouthing "Author, author." Rachelle asked, "You want to be an author, Brenda?" I nearly died. I think I denied it with some "Where the hell did you get that, Anthony?" type statement. And it probably wouldn't be a big deal for anyone else in the world. But I was absolutely mortified and irrationally angry with Anthony. (I'd told him I maybe wanted to write. And while I did tell him not to tell anyone, logically I know it's not a big deal.) Anyway, just a random story for you. Weirdly awkward moments of my life.

Maybe I should make a post about all that stuff. What do you guys think? If anyone wants me to, I'll have an insecurity-related post for you all tomorrow. It might be good to get off my chest.